me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.