Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!