ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
This is I, Robot all over again
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Strange
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.