“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus