The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
You Might Also Like
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges