I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?