Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected