I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.