Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED