comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Hank is one in a melon.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.