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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.