snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
“I FIXED IT!”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen