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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name