Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.