*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
You Might Also Like
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS