I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Guy who likes music
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?