Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.