*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
just having fun
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED