the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
You Might Also Like
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.