Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
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What the hell happened here.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
rapatouille
The happy life.. 😊
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old