Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?