I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Perfect
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]