Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
me logging onto twitter
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.