Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.