[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
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Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.