Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
how to market bottled water to dads
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.