“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
monday
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body