I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
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There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.