Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
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The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
definitely did not do anything wrong
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.