School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
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Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.