*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.