*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
You Might Also Like
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The only good comments section online is on recipes
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Name this drama.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like