Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd