Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
You Might Also Like
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter