5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
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I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
🖤✌🏽
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”