Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me