Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.