HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire