“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
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*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry