Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I have a new favorite meme page
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem