ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.