Monday?
No. Next question.
You Might Also Like
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Sounds like a bargain
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
What kind of a cult is this?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.