If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Did I do this right
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.