If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
There are usually two types of merchants.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.