Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I cannot stop laughing at this
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Writing, She Murdered.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?