[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
How do you milk an almond?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.