therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog