One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase