[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
that lip filler tho
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.