You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.